God's Test

i'll have to admit.........
going through a heartache and friendship problems at a go
is comparable to breaking your spine..... and lying helpless on a bed

caroling was..... fun............ in a way
i went to church with my besties.
somehow i felt so empty the whole drive to mass and even for caroling practice
yup we sang as usual and my throat burned after some time
i could feel a sorethroat coming

BUT

the whole time.......i kept thinking about my problems
the whole time.......finding for a solution
the whole time.......thinking if God would shed light to my world of darkness
the whole time........ wondering if my guy would tell me his "secrets"

the whole time........wondering if my best friend forgave me
the whole time........that dagger laid stone cold in my chest
the whole time........feeling a wound somewhere deep
the whole time........there was a broken part of me....not fixed

AND

the whole time FEELING GRATEFUL i was away from everything for now in church but knowing i had to face it at home....
I HAD to think straight
i HAD to compose myself
i HAD to lift the veil MYSELF covering my eyes
I HAD to lock myself in my room as thats the place my thoughts gather best,

BECAUSE

I HAD to give him a response and a reply

which i did.......today, things are better.........in a way
i got my sleep at LAST from 9pm-8am (that's 11 hours)
(mainly cuz i fell asleep while thinking)
frankly...........
i did NOT WANNA SLEEP although i had been sleeping for 3 hours recently and i was dead tired...every hour pulls and it feels like "when is it gonna end"

i was scared.....
scared that if i slept.....things would be left unsolved........
things would get worst in the morning......

my problems are not over, but i know
i have to be strong

i keep forgetting to take my medicine nowadays =___=
we'll see what happens
things would get better
i know it
i'm not some hopeless person who wld not find a solution
and lie there for the dead
so i'm confident things would be better...

till then.... i have to keep discerning
gtg now..... more thinking awaits me =)